Burnout

On the first honk of my alarm, my hand clamps down at ninja speed. 4:30 a.m. and I’m up.

My empty dorm room is pitch black and buzzing from just being filled with books, clothing and the rest of my material life. Now, after spending most of my days in college looking at a screen, I left my computer somewhere in a box, not to return to it until the fall. I hope I’ll be ready to stare back at the screen after four months, but for now I can’t stand the thought of even one more email. Me and my backpack. We’re off together to Mexico City. I know of my first bed and nothing of my second or third or any after for the next three and a half months.

After another year in college of structure, scheduling and planning, I wanted nothing but the opposite. September, October, December… The months spun on in my freshman year and I watched the spark of passion diminish as I shoved my head down and barreled into every opportunity I could get my hands on at this wonderful university.

I found so much passion and growth in my education yet felt as though I was sometimes swapping it for my mental wellbeing and sense of self. Hiding my discomfort in my studies tripled my resume with accomplishments. I was flaming, bright and unstoppable. Until I realized I was unstoppable and I didn’t know how to ease onto the brakes. So instead, I barreled down the hill until I flew off of it… and landed here. In Mexico City. And I took a breath.

Yet instead of relief at removing all of the external factors that were causing my mental health to take a dive, I found myself in vibrant Mexico City, so much more anxious than before. How could I hide away from the underlying sense of unease without my laptop and without my studies to distract me? I was horrified. Everything that I had been wishing for was laid out in front of me. I finally had time to breathe and do anything I wanted. And this free time revealed to me how much I had strayed from the girl I discovered on my first solo trip to Costa Rica. I thought back to her, in her embodiment of spontaneity and vibrance as I sat alone chewing on a friendship bracelet I didn’t have the motivation to finish.

We didn’t get along so well for a while. I’d get frustrated with her.

“Why don’t you want to go out?” “Just stop worrying for a second and enjoy yourself!”

It wasn’t until I gave myself unstructured time and removed myself from my environment completely that I realized how far I had strayed from the woman I envisioned myself growing to be.

I was scared to talk to people at hostels. Scared my Spanish had diminished too much and I was embarrassed to speak it. Each new bout of food poisoning had me groaning alone on the bathroom floor, questioning why I’d come.

Mexico City, Puebla, Oaxaca, San Jose Del Pacifico… I was lonely and unenthused even to spend time with my own anxious self. It wasn’t until I got caught in a hurricane with a stranger and a newfound family that I began to break through these mental blocks. But that’s a story for another day;)

Every trip I’ve taken has caused me to confront pieces of myself that I hide in everyday life. It’s terrifying and now I’ve learned that it’s exhilarating too. Work is hard and burnout is so real. But it’s also easy. Easy to hide behind it. Easy to push ourselves past our limits. Easy to lose ourselves in the process. And when we finally take that breath, in whatever form it takes, it can be so scary to stare back at the person who’s had their eyes averted toward a screen for so long. But we owe it to ourselves to take that air we’ve been saying we don’t need. That’s why relaxing can be so hard. Taking a break feels harder than pushing more. Because we’re forced to confront a part of ourselves we no longer recognize. But now, every time I knock on her door, I say,

“Hey, I know it’s been a while. Maybe too long. But I’m here now again and I’m willing to let you take a look.”

“You may not love what you see but let’s figure this out together.”

I also want to mention that this is my own personal journey and in no means reflects everyone’s experience with mental health. If you or anyone else you know is struggling visit https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/find-help for more information and resources.